I am sure you have all heard of the concept of teleportation. You know, going from one place to another all Star Trek beam-me-up style.  Many of you, I am sure, believe that is science fiction. But, allow me to inform you that it in not, in fact, just a fanciful dream. It is FACT. And parents have known about it for years. It explains how those cookies on the top of the fridge got in to your four year old’s hand or how the remote control ended up in the dryer.

Teleportation is the only answer.

But, friends, there is a sinister and baffling side to teleportation:

Telepooptation.

This is how dung gets all over your house mysteriously. The baby’s diaper is still firmly in place, her clothing clean and dry but….there’s a turd on the couch. That turd is the scientific anomaly known as a tele-poop.

Today we had a major tele-poop incident. Like, I feel like I should call NASA of something because will all the magically appearing turds in my house, I am pretty confident my daughter could send dung to the moon if properly motivated. Seriously, Foodie managed to leave deuces on the couch, the living room rug, on her brother’s pants while he was in them, and inside the pots and pans cupboard.

There was no leakage through the diaper. It’s like a fecal matter miracle. Maybe I should call our priest.

But, wait. It may be magically appearing scat, but it is still, in the end, poop. I am calling Stanley Steamer.