Monthly Archives: June 2011

I Scream

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I took the kids to the Y to play last night while I ran for a while. But, because I am clearly illiterate I didn’t realize we had arrived 20 minutes before closing time we had to hustle out of there rather quickly. (I am one to assume that summer hours are usually LONGER than winter hours, but the YMCA wants me to go outside and is encouraging it by closing early. I so wish I would have known that like, two days ago.)

So, we were in a pickle. Husband had the car and we were stranded at the Y for at least another half an hour. But, I knew our car was within walking distance.

As I stared down the 10 blocks ahead of us, I knew this walk was going to be a challenge. The twins are little runners and could pelt down the street in no time. But, Foodie is like a slow-moving squirrel with ADHD. She likes to run, but never as fast as her brothers and never in a straight line.

So, I had to figure out a way to keep them going all the way to the car and all together AND on the sidewalk. It was looking more and more daunting by the second. Especially because Foodie was trying to hide in a bush, Cereal Killer was running like a mad man, and Rain Man was sticking his face in the drainage ditch.

“Hey, who wants ice cream?” I asked. They all turned to me like hunting dogs tracking a duck. I had them.

“Stay with me, walk together, and when we get to Daddy and the car, I will take you for ice cream.”

If you would have seen me after that, you would have seen me walking blissfully with three little cherubs sweetly skipping by my side. They were good as gold the whole way to the car.

As soon as they got to the car, however, they began running around the vehicle while screaming like meth-addicted banshees.

It still earned them ice cream, though. No one ran in to traffic and nothing was lost down a sewer. That’s worth a kiddie cone with candy eyeballs, if you ask me.

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Weather Confusion

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A few days ago I fought Rain Man tooth and nail to keep him from wearing his favorite fuzzy jacket outside to play. It was a humid 85* and that child would have roasted.

The next day I begged him to put his coat on because the temperature had sunk to a (comparatively) bone-chilling 39*.

He absolutely lost it over this example of clothing double standards. He gave me a look of pure betrayal when I offered him the coat that I had unceremoniously wrenched from him the day before.

Michigan weather is causing my child to have epic tantrums about clothing. He doesn’t know from one day to the next if or when he will be allowed to wear his favorite sweater and/or his Thomas shorts.

I think Mother Nature is actually a Grandmother. She is enjoying watching the payback of fit-throwing children. I must have been awful about dressing for the weather as a child. That’s my only explanation for this.

 

Reading

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Yesterday I had one of my few-and-far-between brilliant ideas.

I took a cheap-o can of shaving cream and squirted it all over my kitchen table. I let the kids smoosh it around and drive toy cars through it. They had a blast playing with it and I knew that when they were done, the shaving cream would wipe off easily and leave my table sparkling clean.

Could it possibly get better?

Well, when we were playing with the shaving cream, I started writing simple words in it and quizzing the boys to see what letters they knew. To my complete surprise, they were reading the words back to me.

Reading! They can read! I was so filled with parental pride that my boys were reading words! I wanted to tell the whole world how brilliant they were.

I washed my hands and went to the phone to call my mother and tell her that I have future MENSA members in my kitchen. I glanced back and caught Rain Man standing on a chair, licking the kitchen window.

That’s more like it.

Melts My Heart

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Yesterday I took the kids to the park. There are, fortunately, many parks in town so, we always have a few to choose from that interest the squirts. This time we picked the park by their preschool class. It was built for bigger kids, but the twins climb like monkeys so, they always have a good time there.

Foodie thinks she is just as big and skilled at climbing. She is not. So, I had to follow her nervously while she tried to tackle ladders, wiggly bridges, and giant slides. I was annoyed because Cereal Killer was encouraging her to follow him up the ladders and down the big slides. But, he kept on encouraging.

“C’mon! Don’t worry. I will catch you if you fall,” he told her.

I hope you remember that when you are teenagers and adults, Killer. And I hope you appreciate what great big brothers you have, Foodie.

Why Two-Year-Olds Are Awesome

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I dispute the whole “Terrible Twos” thing. (It’s more like Terrible Threes…Fours….Fives….) Two-year-olds are hilarious. They are still young enough to crave snuggle time but they are old enough to start showing independence and personality. Why else are they awesome? Well, let me tell you…

1) They show JOY. Foodie does a little dance every time she has a raspberry juice pop. She loves raspberries. She loves them so much that an ice pop made from raspberries make her do a little jig every time she has one. When was the last time you were so happy to see a Popsicle you did a little dance? Two-yea-old joy is the wild abandon kind of joy that makes everyone around them happy. It’s contagious and great!

2)They are smart. If Foodie is the first person awake in the house (which she always is, because who in their right mind wants to get up at 5:30 in the morning?) she will toddle downstairs and turn on Yo Gabba Gabba until someone hears the show and gets up to get her breakfast. The fact that she can work the television and Wii completely independently freaks me out a little. She learned how to do it faster than I did.

3) They are funny. An adult standing on their head in a dress may not be that funny (actually…) but a giggling two-year-old showing her diapered rear to a room full of people is, while slightly embarrassing, also incredibly hilarious.

4) They still love your cooking. The twins are in that picky stage where the only acceptable condiment is ketchup and all foods must be satisfyingly beige for them to consider eating. Foodie, on the other hand, eats veggie sushi rolls, curry, chicken pot pie, anything I could possibly make. If Mom cooked it, it must be delicious. I have delusions that she will skip the picky stage and always be my little gourmet but, she’s a kid. I won’t hold my breath.

5) They want to be tucked in. My favorite part of any day is tucking Foodie in to bed. She looks at me like I am the most fascinating person on the planet when I read her a story. And after the story, she asks for “nosers” and kisses. “Nosers” are, of course, Eskimo kisses. She snuggles in to her covers and just looks at me with such pure love with no strings attached, no shyness, no hidden meaning.  That brings me to my last point…

6) Two-year-olds are honest. If the like something, they tell you. If they hate something, they tell you. They don’t have a censor on them and while that can cause some sticky situations (“Look! Fat people!” “Shhh! That’s not nice!”) it’s refreshing to have a completely honest and raw reaction to life. This is why they are so funny and loving and smart. They aren’t worried about what other people think. They want to absorb as much of life as they can. It’s a zest for life that we often miss and THAT is why two-year-olds are awesome.

It’s Fun To Stay At The…

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I love the YMCA. We’ve been slacking off in our attendance there because gassing up the car costs about a small fortune right now, but we went today so the kids could work out some of their energy. (This drizzly, rainy weather has got to stop. Seriously. We’re going a little stir crazy here.)

I dropped the kids off at the child watching room (best idea EVER) and went along my merry way to sweat like a bull on the treadmill. I was just contemplating the spin bikes when I saw a Tot Watch employee heading my way. (I am so used to being the mom they are looking for that I have jumped off of stairsteppers when a Tot Watch person enters the gym area only to realize they aren’t working and are just there for the elliptical.)

When they come to get me, it can only mean one of two things. 1) Someone is bleeding. After the time Cereal Killer dove headfirst in to the floor and broke two teeth in the Y, I was seriously hoping that was not what I was about to hear about. Option 2) Someone pooped.

Appropriately, it was #2.

On the way back to the kids’ room, the employee gave me the, “Holy Mother of Pearl, your child STANKS” look. Now, when you can  gross out someone who works with un-potty trained children for a living, you know you have quite an epic load on your hands.

I walk in and see Foodie standing all the way across the room. As I start towards her, the wall of stink hits me.

“Mama, I pooped,” she shouted in her shrill but grave voice. But, trust me, I already knew that.

I wonder how much those military-issue gas masks are…

 

 

And, THANK YOU to all the people who have shared our story and/or contributed to the twins. We’re over half way to our goal. You’re all amazing!! We are incredibly grateful for the generosity you’ve shown us. Our first trip to Ann Arbor is a “go” for September because of all of you!

 

 

Team Double Trouble Needs Help

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I am pretty cool and collected when it comes to the twins and their many doctor visits. I had a lot of doctor visits when I was a kid and everything was always fine. Sometimes I wonder why we bother with all these inconvenient appointments because everything is clearly fine.

So, you can imagine I felt rather blind-sided today when everything wasn’t fine.

As I have mentioned before, the boys and I have Beckwith-Wiedemann Syndrome. It’s usually nothing more than a story I like to tell at parties. (Tongue surgery is a real ice breaker, let me tell you what!) But, today it showed some of its nasty side.

Robert is starting to show signs of having a hemihypertrophy. His left leg and the left side of his face are a little longer and fuller than the right side. He’s not to the point of auditioning for Elephant Man on Broadway, but it is starting to affect his development. I’ve never tried, but I imagine trying to run or ride a bike with one leg bigger than the other is rather difficult and an epic pain in the butt. So, we need to make my FAVORITE 800 mile round-trip journey to the Mott Children’s Hospital in September to see what can be done about that.

I look forward to navigating the U of M hospital and surrounding areas during college football season about as much as I look forward to a root canal performed by Orin Scrivello, DDS.

Say, "AAAAAAHHH!!!"

And because it’s gotta pour when I am outside without an umbrella, there’s more. Both of the boys, it has been determined, need to have their tongues re-evaluated because it looks like there will be more surgeries in store for that. And more 12 hour road trips of doom for me.

We aren’t done yet! To put the cherry on this sundae, we have a 16 year old Jeep that looks at us funny when we try to run it for more than 20 minutes at a time and a bank account that, were it possible for Wells Fargo to calculate such things in its online banking system, would print statements saying it contained nothing but dryer lint. So, we need a little help. The medical expenses themselves will be covered, but travel costs, food, and lodging are things we will need but cannot afford. (Yay, economy!) So, if you have a couple extra bucks, consider helping out the boys. We have a Chip-in page and we’re currently 1/3 of the way to being able to afford a rental car, gas, food, and basic lodging for a couple days so the kids can have consultation appointments with a cranio-facial surgeon and some fancy-pants geneticist who has a lot of letters after her name that I don’t understand.

If you would like, visit our Chip-in Page and donate to the twins. (I can’t even describe the overwhelming thankfulness I feel to all the people who are helping us. You really are angels. I will never forget this. Thank YOU.)

Or, if you are a little skeptical about this (I understand. There are shady people on the Intertubes. I would be cautious with my cash, too.) please consider donating to the Beckwith-Wiedemann Children’s Foundation to help kids like mine.

Thanks.

THANK YOU!

Toddler Shoes

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After today, I am a firm believer that shoes for all children under the age of 5 should come attached to pants and/or tights like pajama footies.

I took the kids to the Childrens Museum today and Foodie promptly lost one of her adorable white and hot pink canvas shoes. (I don’t like gender stereotyping, but I love adorable shoes. Especially if they have bows.)

I thought I was being clever when I told the boys I would let them buy a piece of penny candy from the museum store if they found her shoe. But, they never found the shoe and did definitely melt in to hysterics because they thought that meant they wouldn’t get a piece of candy. (Yes, I bought them the stinking candy.)

As I was feverishly crawling through preschooler-sized exhibits, I wondered if it was possible to design shoes that didn’t immediately leap off the feet of toddlers.

For us, that would mean Mary Jane style shoes would be completely out. Those little canvas shoes are cute, but one flimsy elastic band is NOT going to help a shoe stay in place. Ever.

Tie shoes aren’t happening either. I love my children but I am terrified of tying their shoes. Whenever I bend over to help one child with their shoelaces, at least one other child will take my position as an opportunity to play “horsey” with me. I will get tackled from behind, pitched off balance, and spend the next hour picking gravel out of my teeth.

Flip flops….only if I would rather carry shoes while my kids pelt around barefoot. I am an adult and sometimes I can barely keep flip flops on my feet.

Boots are only used in dire situations where hypothermia is a distinct possibility. Getting a small child in to a boot is like trying to dress a greased piglet in a leather catsuit. It’s a difficult and almost always futile endeavor that puts you at risk for being bitten or pooped on. And it annoys the pig.

I was dangerously close to giving up on the shoe and just running to Target so Foodie wouldn’t have to be carried for the rest of the day when I found that blasted shoe wedged under the groundwater exhibit.

I popped it on her foot and set her free. I sat down and watched as the other shoe fell off as she rounded the corner to get to the slide.

 

Band-Aids! How Do They Work?

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;The children are all in that phase where bandages are AWESOME. In the world according to my four year olds, a Lightnig McQueen Band-Aid could inspire peace in the Middle East, discover a trunk containing the lost works of John Lennon, and be able to calculate how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

But, all Band-Aids are not created equal. Here is the official Band-Aid hierarchy according to my children:

Plain Flesh Colored Bandages: Only useful if you have an actual and serious injury that is causing significant bleeding and tears. Unacceptable in any other situation.

Cloth-like Flesh Colored Bandages: Slightly more desirable than plain bandages because of their incredible adhesive that resists all forms of removal. They are used mainly for bandaging linoleum floors, unfinished wood, and pets.

Solid Color Bandages (non-flesh colored): Pretty neat. Will sometimes be acceptable for non-injuries that mysteriously need bandaging. But, the most desirable color will be the one that is not included in the box or is seriously under-represented.

Bandages with Words or Pictures: It’s irrelevant that the kids don’t quite read yet. These are cool. They will sometimes be needed for “sympathy injuries” on the non-boo boo’d kids because of their coolness.

Patterned Bandages: Tiger stripes, camouflage, snakeskin. They make boo boos that caused sniffles and tears in to sweet status symbols.

Bandages Featuring Cartoon Characters: Just hand your paychecks over to Johnson and Johnson now. Once your kids know Spiderman bandages exist, nothing else will ever be good enough. Ever. You will go through so many bandages, you will feel like you are running triage at the National Paper Snowflake Making Speed Trials.  Every boo boo, non-boo boo, and hurt feeling will require Hello Kitty or Dora for covering.