My wife told me I had to write a guest article today. So I am.
She usually writes in the early morning (and you were probably at a loss, wondering about the lack of an update) but I was still feeling woozy when I got up on account of the various cold medications still coursing through my veins. That would have been an interesting article but for altogether different reasons…
The preschool where I work is on spring break right now. So I get to be home all day with the children. Par-taaaayyyy! Woooooooooooooo!!!!
I get to sleep in! All the way to 7:30 sometimes!
I get to arbitrate interminable day-long disputes over the frequency and nature of snacking! (Apparently they feel the need to fill the sudden void in their lives with handfuls of cereal or pretzels or wheat chips or whatever else they try to grab whenever they think I’m not looking.)
I get to become intimately familiar with children’s programming (although I’ve instituted a firm Caillou ban)!
I get to enjoy the many benefits of not having an opportunity to bathe until the wife comes home! (see: snacking issue, above.)
I get to sit outside in rather chilly weather and shout at them to stay out of the road for only the 307th time! (They say they don’t have hearing problems, but…)
I get to hone my cook-things-out-of-a-box skills!
I get to be productive and focus on finishing interesting and longstanding web design and music projects, some of which have deadlines looming! Haha. Just kidding.
Ok. Spring “break” can be over now.
Keep up with the music projects I *do* manage to finish at brandonnelsonmusic.com
My not-funny-but-nevertheless-interesting blog is here
I was sitting on the couch with Foodie. She was playing the “duck, duck, poke” game. It’s an original invention she came up with all by herself. She says, “Duck, duck, duck, duck….POKE!” When she gets to that “poke” part, she attempts to jam her finger in my eye socket. I am not sure how one wins at this game, but she is entirely amused by it.
We were in the middle of another round. I was trying to protect my precious eye balls with a magazine when I smelled a Familiar Smell.
“Hey, what’s that stink?” I asked her.
“Noffing,” she replied innocently.
“What’s going on with your bottom?” I continued because sometimes she will then admit she has an immediate need for the toilet.
As the smell got stronger I determined that she was one letter off with that answer.
We had a power outage yesterday here at the House O Fun Times.
Actually, it wasn’t too bad. I had some warning that it was coming. There was high winds outside and I saw the lights dim about 15 minutes before the power went. As soon as those lights flickered, I ran the bath and threw the kids in it with gusto. The last thing I wanted was 3 kids crying that they didn’t get their bubble bath before bed because it was too dark for me to find the faucet.
Our luck held as the power went out completely seconds after I got Foodie out of the tub. (No ‘poo in the eyes this time!)
“It’s dark,” Cereal Killer helpfully told me. “What can we do now?”
My supply of flashlights had been dismantled by a helpful two-year-old months ago and I am not suicidal enough to keep candles in the house so, our options were extremely limited. “You can, uh, go to bed?”
Killer wasn’t a huge fan of that suggestion.
“Can I watch a movie?” he asked, really digging in his brain for something other than bed.
“Can I play my game?” If only he was thinking of a board game, we may have been in business. Alas, my 21st century child wanted to play the Lego game on the computer.
“Can we make popcorn?”
“I’m going to bed.”
Easiest bedtime routine ever! I am seriously considering throwing the circuit breakers every night at 8pm.
I was taking Rain Man out for a one-on-one outing the other day. We went for a little bike ride and stopped at the farmers’ market to get some fresh apples.
On the way home, we were listening to the radio in the van. I have an incurable addiction to National Public Radio so we were tuned in to it, listening to a story about the wildfires in California.
“…And we need food, water, clothing, and other toiletries….” said the lady on the radio.
“Toilet trees?” piped up Rain Man from the back seat. I glanced at him in the mirror and I could see him thinking about that concept pretty hard.
“That’s gross,” he said finally, shaking his head.
Oh, how those little, literal minds work…
I love coming home from work to see the kids. The closer to home I drive, the happier I feel. It warms my heart to pull in to the driveway and watch them pour out of the house (in various states of undress) and run to the van, shouting and telling me what they did that day as fast as physically possible. (They could give the Micro Machines guy a run for his money.)
Well, today after I was welcomed home by my hyper-active brood, I went to take a quick catnap before taking the kids out grocery shopping. Since it’s against the law for any mother to ever sleep alone, I was quickly joined by Foodie and Rain Man.
“We gotta hide,” Foodie told me seriously through her long, blonde bangs. “Shh!”
She ducked in to the blankets and urged Rain Man to follow her. I was soon covered in blankets as well so the real hiding could begin.
“We hide from Daddy. Daddy not find us!” Foodie whispered in that overly breath-y toddler whisper.
Knowing Daddy, I could believe that. Daddy not find us because Daddy not look for us so, I had to help the game along.
“OH, I HOPE DADDY DOESN’T FIND US HIDING IN THE BED,” I said loudly.
Eventually Daddy took the hint and came to the bedroom to look for us. I could feel the kids just bursting with anticipation. I am sure the bed was wiggling like crazy.
“I wonder if they are in the bed!”
Daddy whipped the blankets off the bed and the kids exploded in to peals of laughter.
“Let’s do again!” squealed Foodie. “Hide-a seek SO fun! I love you, Mama, Daddy!”
I think that was more refreshing than any catnap.
I think my boys have befriended a kindly woodsman while my back was turned because I am pretty sure they have a better working knowledge of the forest and all its little woodland creatures than I do. They are also like nature-ninjas because they are clearly getting in to mischief without my knowledge. Again.
“Hey mom?” Rain Man asked while we were driving around attempting to find someone, anyone with a hockey stick. (Long story.)
“If a fox went in to a skunk hole, would the skunk just squirt him or would he bite him, too?”
“Uh, well….I can’t say I know. Why do you ask?”
“Well, how about a chippy?”
“A chipper-monk. What if a chipper-monk went in the skunk hole?”
I tried to suppress the giggles because I was getting a mental image of Friar Tuck wedged in a tiny burrow with this little feet waggling in the air.
“I guess if the chipmunk was threatening the skunk? Maybe. Why are you asking about skunk holes?”
Rain Man never had to answer that question because as we pulled in to the driveway, I could smell the pungent aroma of a very angry skunk wafting in from the backyard.
I am definitely going to have to re-examine how much access those boys have to the backyard.
Yesterday I took the boys to the park with my mom. I think she is starting to understand why I cringe whenever someone suggests that I take them out in to public.
Rain Man was only interested in the basket of snacks my mom packed and was acting like a little movie critic while slowly consuming everything that wasn’t tied down.
“They think they are digging for treasure, but it’s just dirt,” he said seriously about a group of little girls playing in the sandbox.
“I will not ride the dinosaur. That’s ‘diculous.”
I had no idea playing in the park was such serious business.
Meanwhile, Cereal Killer was climbing all over the monkey bars like a little squirrel. Eventually he got to the highest point of the playground and sat there observing his kingdom. He watched as my mom took off her jacket and decided to give her a suggestion.
“NOW TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS, GRANDMA!” he shouted over the din of the playground.
I couldn’t even pretend to look serious and disapproving when I saw the look on my mother’s face.
I have discovered an amazing time traveling technique that makes children look older in seconds. It, unfortunately does not improve or mature their behavior, however. But, I am still tweaking my device.
This magical time machine is actually… a haircut.
I gave the boys haircuts the other day. That in itself was quite the ordeal. Rain Man had been asking for a haircut for about a week when I finally got to it. He was pleased as punch until the clippers came out, then he freaked out and gave me the whole screaming/crying song and dance until it was over. As soon as the clippers were out of sight, he turned off the noise machine, told me he looked great, and trotted off to play. Baffling.
Anyhow, after the boys were done being shorn like sheep I realized how grown up the looked. They didn’t look like tubby little toddlers, they looked like lanky boys. Apparently being able to see someone’s face gives you a more accurate gauge on their actual age. Who knew. They are headed towards age 5 at breakneck speed! School starts in a couple weeks! What? When did this happen?!
Either they are growing up faster than I can keep track of, or my hair clippers have magical powers.
I am hoping it’s magical clippers.
At about 4 o’ clock this morning, I heard Foodie come creeping in to my bedroom. She padded over to my side of the bed and stood, waiting for me to wake up and acknowledge her. I chose to ignore her and try to keep sleeping, so she switched over to Plan B. And poked me in the eye.
Mama’s awake. Mission accomplished.
I pulled her in to bed and cuddled her next to me in the vain attempt to get a few more moments of precious sleep.
I thought for sure it was going to work. Foodie was settling next to me nicely. I was being lulled back to sleep by her gentle little toddler sniffles when she wiggled up to my ear and whispered an important message.
“Mama, I peed.”
My normally night-time-diapered girl had, of course, taken off her diaper before climbing in to my bed.
My cozy slumber den was quickly becoming cold and soggy.
And that’s how I found myself getting ready for work at 4:30 in the morning.
The kids have been coming up with some real gems lately. I swear I could fill a library with the strange and funny things they come up with. Here is just a sample of some of their cute little sayings:
“The mailman is always right.” – Cereal Killer
“I don’t like this movie. Too many mustaches.” – Rain Man
“Long day! Needa Diet Coke! – Foodie (Oh boy, she’s been listening to me…)
“You sad? Try goin’ potty.” – Foodie
“I learned that thr0wing watermelon is dangerous.” -Cereal Killer (Let me tell you, there is a story THERE.)
“You get dinner and you don’t throw a fit. Then you have dessert.” -Rain Man